Hey everybody! I’m so sorry for the long hiatus. I had hoped to keep blogging during my pregnancy, but I was just obsessed with all things baby and wasn’t really in the right frame of mind to do it.
I had my son in February! He was 3 1/2 weeks early but otherwise healthy. The first couple months were really hard and stressful, but I managed to get back to Weight Watchers in April. I’ll be posting my weigh ins in the near future (hopefully)!
I gained a LOT, way more than I wanted to. Here’s a side by side from 8 weeks and 24 weeks. You can tell how much I ballooned up…and I still had 3 months to go!!!!
At my first weigh in after delivery, I weighed in at 220.6 which was 65.8 pounds from my previous weigh in and 70.4 pounds up from my lowest. This picture is me at my 2nd baby shower, just a week before delivery. Whoa…….
I had visions of having the perfect fit pregnancy. I was only going to gain the recommended 30 pounds. I was going to keep running and tracking my food. I was going to be back in my regular clothes before my maternity leave was over. Exactly NONE of that happened, and there’s one word that sums up why: FEAR. Plain and simple, I was terrified of doing something that might hurt the baby.
In case you don’t know, we weren’t supposed to be able to get pregnant. We tried about 4 years ago, and we were given a 1-3% chance of it happening naturally. We had given up trying and started focusing on other things. Out of the blue, we beat the odds with a surprise pregnancy. After the struggles we had before and knowing our odds, I was terrified that I would have a miscarriage. I kept thinking just because I got pregnant didn’t mean I would STAY pregnant. I was constantly expecting to start my period.
I know that exercise during pregnancy is healthy. Logically I know that. You could show me all the data in the world about how safe it is, and I would still say “Yeah, but… what if?” What if there is a 1% chance that running could make it harder for me to go to term? What if running at my age (then 38) would make it more risky for the baby? The odds of me getting pregnant were super low, but it happened. That made me feel like even if something was low risk, it could happen to me!
I had run about 10 miles a few days before I found out I was pregnant. That should have reassured me, but it didn’t. I thought I was just lucky because the pregnancy was so new and the baby was just a peanut. I stopped running the second I found out because I was just terrified. I planned to continue walking and maybe slow jogging for short periods if the doctor gave me the green light. Of course she told me it was perfectly fine, but I just couldn’t get over my paranoia. I jogged once or twice and then didn’t even keep up with walking.
I was sooooooooo tired in my first trimester that I just had no desire to do anything. I was nauseous and just wanted carbs. Those two things combined made for a huge spike in my weight during my first trimester when (technically) I wasn’t supposed to gain ANY weight. By the time the 2nd trimester came around and I was feeling better, I was out of the habit of exercise. And frankly, I was in constant baby prep mode. It was all I cared about or thought about.
That’s not to say I didn’t think about my weight. I thought about it ALOT. I just couldn’t get a handle on it. I lost my support system of my WW meetings, and I was trying to avoid all artificial sweeteners. A lot of the foods I used to eat didn’t sound good and many of the foods I used to eat were off limits during pregnancy. For awhile I tried tracking but giving myself more points to account for the pregnancy. Then I tried focusing on a pregnancy eating plan where I focused on just eating the right number of servings of key nutrients. I couldn’t lose the weight I had gained too quickly in my first trimester because dieting would have been bad for the baby. It was a constant struggle between wanting to watch calories but wanting to be healthy but I was tired and nothing sounded good. At some point, I just got frustrated and gave up. Obviously I just kept gaining.
So here I am, faced with re-losing about 70% of the weight I had previously worked so hard to lose. Talk about frustrating! Of course I am thrilled that I have a healthy baby boy and it was worth it, but I was just SO mad at myself. I was disappointed and felt like a failure for not having the type of pregnancy I had originally planned for. I really beat myself up for a good few months, but eventually I got over it.
I can’t change it now, so there’s no point in re-living it all the time. Other people may judge me or be disappointed in me, but that’s okay. Guess what? I’m not perfect. My weight struggles will probably never go away. I’m just doing the best I can, and that’s really all any of us can do.
I don’t know how often I’ll be posting, but I do plan to try to get back at it. Blogging really helps me stay accountable and I love interacting with others who are trying to lose. I hope you’ll be patient and stick with me during this huge life transition. I’m still learning how to juggle being a working mom with all the other things I want and need to do!