2020 has been quite the year. We started the home buying process on March 8 and it was stressful and all consuming. We closed April 6 and then started all the work we wanted to do on the new house. We finally moved on May 15 and then had to start work on our old house. The old house sold on July 8 and should close in early August.
As if home buying isn’t stressful enough, I also started working from home, my Mom passed away, my Uncle passed away, and my brother in law and his family moved to NC.
I started working from home rather abruptly on March 16 because Landon had the sniffles. I thought it would be just a few days and here we are 4 1/2 months later and I’ve been working at home ever since.
I used to long for working at home. I used to think no commute would be great and seeing my family more would be great. I’m starting to appreciate those things now but in the beginning the reality was just plain hard.
Landon didn’t understand why I couldn’t play with him since I was home. Our house at the time was very small and noise traveled well so I never had quiet time. Losing my commute meant losing some of the time I listened to podcasts and losing my transition time from work to home. Landon expected my attention the second I was done working.
The world changed seemingly overnight. Restaurants and stores closed which is something I’ve never seen in my lifetime. I had to cancel plans with friends and worry everytime I went to the grocery store that I’d bring something home to my family.
Now we are faced with the tough decision about virtual school and trying to figure out how to help Landon not be so lonely. How can we safely get him some social interaction?
Through it all, I felt anxious, worried, tired, and overwhelmed. I totally turned to food. I stopped listening to my body and started shoving the food in. I can tell when I’m eating because I’m anxious because I tend to eat really fast and I just shovel it in.
I know eating does not fix anything and leads to even more problems but I guess old habits die hard. As of now I’m up like 20 pounds since February which means some clothes aren’t fitting and I’m not feeling great.
This is my life now. I can’t keep waiting for things to go back to normal because this is normal now. I’ve been talking about how hard everything is but that thought is really not helpful at all!! I need to find ways to create quiet time for myself. I need to create new routines now that we are settled in our new home. I do not want to keep feeling overwhelmed and out of control.
Jim has been eating more than normal too. He’s never been as much of an emotional eater as me but he’s definitely been snacking more and eating more cookies etc. That should not affect me. What he eats should not change what I eat. In the past I could easily say “I didn’t plan for that” and feel totally fine with it. Now I feel jealous when I see him eating kids chocolate chip cookies that aren’t even that exciting!!
I’ve been telling myself that I need to “get it together” which is also not helpful at all. It feels like scolding and is not motivating.
I need to reconnect with my reasons for losing and focusing on mindful eating. I need to remember how amazing I felt when it seemed like losing weight was effortless. I need to remember how much better my body felt when I was giving it what it needs instead of overstuffing it like I may never see food again. I need to remember how proud I was for overcoming some of my food issues and how I felt like a warrior for turning down extra food.
I know that I can do this because I did it before. There will always be stress and uncertainty in our lives. It might be extreme right now but there will always be something. I do not want to be someone that needs food or wine to cope with life. I want to enjoy my life to the fullest.
So today I’m reminding myself of my own mantra. Actually I can. This applies to anything challenging in life. Actually I can listen to my body. Actually I can go to bed without a snack. Actually I can follow my plans. Actually I can lose this quarantine 15 (or 20)! Actually I can listen to podcasts while getting ready or on my lunch break. Actually I can go for a run after work while Jimi plays with Landon. Actually I can drink water and sleep more. Actually I can take 5 minutes or less to really reflect on my day and food choices. Actually I can work from home and eat the same way I ate when I was going to the office.
Today is a new day and I’m just focused on today. Today I will listen to my body and follow my plan. Today I will challenge my desires to stress eat. Today I will eat to live and not live to eat. Today I will prove to myself that I can make progress. Today I will take care of me.